Unitarian Universalist Humor

Q: How many UU’s does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Hard to say, let’s discuss it over coffee.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Johovah's Witness?

A: Someone who goes around knocking on doors for no apparent reason.

Did you hear the one about the poor bigot who was so angry at one of our

churches that he burned a question mark on our lawn?

Or the one about the Unitarian Universalist who died, and was off on the great

journey. He came to a crossroad in the lane, with three directional signs. One said,

“This way to Heaven.” Another said, “This way to Hell.” And the third said, “This

way to a discussion about Heaven and Hell.” Of course the Unitarian Universalist

went to the discussion.

A UU family moves into a new neighborhood. Their little girl finds a new playmate, and they are happily getting to know each other.
One day, the playmate says, "We're Episcopalians, what are you?"
The UU child thinks for a minute and says, "I'm not sure, but I think we're League of Women Voters."

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What's the difference between a liberal Jew and a Unitarian?
The liberal Jew nearly always has a Christmas tree.

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Wherever you find two Jews, you find three religious opinions
Unitarian Universalists would be amazed at such unanimity

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Why did the Unitarian-Universalist cross the road?
To support the chicken in its search for its own path.

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What do Unitarian Universalists have in common with Pontius Pilate?
They ask, "What is truth?" and then don't stay around for an answer.

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A Unitarian is just a Quaker with Attention Deficit Disorder.

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How do you chase a Unitarian Universalist family out of town

You burn a question mark on their lawn

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• You might be a UU if:
  -You have ever been in an argument over whether or not breast milk is vegan
  -When you dress for a formal evening out you wear a little black dress, pearls-- and Birkenstocks (and your wife thinks you look great!)
  -You are unsure about the gender of God
  -You own six pairs of Birkenstocks and your favorite pair needs to be thrown away
  -You get Newt Gingrich confused with the Grinch who Stole Christmas.
  -The money you sent to the Sierra Club last year was more than you spent on your mother at Christmas.
  -You think the Holy Trinity is "reduce, reuse and recycle"
  -You study the "ten suggestions" instead of the "Ten Commandments."
  -The only time "Jesus" is mentioned at church is when someone trips or stubs a toe
  -Your child says to you before eating dinner at a friend's house "I'll remember to say my 'pleases' and 'thank yous' but I'm not going to say that dinner 'pledge of allegiance'."
  -You think a Holy day of Obligation is your turn to do coffee
  -You get mail from committees you didn't know you were on
  -You know at least two people who are upset that trees had to die for your church to be built

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Coffee, Coffee, Coffee
(sung to Holy, Holy, Holy)

by Christopher Raible

Coffee, Coffee, Coffee,
Praise the strength of coffee.
Early in the morn we rise with thoughts of only thee.
Served fresh or reheated,
Dark by thee defeated,
Brewed black by perk or drip or instantly.
Though all else we scoff we
Come to church for coffee.
If we're late to congregate, we come in time for thee.
Coffee our one ritual,
Drinking it habitual,
Brewed black by perk or drip instantly.
Coffee the communion
Of our Uni-Union,
Symbol of our sacred ground, our one necessity.
Feel the holy power
At our coffee hour,
Brewed black by perk or drip or instantly.

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